Loved and lost - how to cope when losing out on your dream home

Missing out on your ideal home - apartment, house, room, houseboat or other - can evoke feelings of loss comparable to that of losing someone close to you, whether through death or relationship breakdown. But instead of mourning someone, a pet, or a relationship - or even the structure itself - you mourn the life you could have had. 

We would have been happy there. 

We would have had the life we wanted there.

We would have had a better quality of life there.

And for the foreseeable future, your current situation - dwelling - may shift from technicolour to black and white, not matching up to what was almost within reach (or so you thought).

It may not feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel, but there are a few coping mechanisms that can help you through this difficult time. 

How to cope when losing out on your dream property

Don't blame yourself 

As part of the mourning process, you may think back on your experience, questioning everything you did and blame yourself for the outcome. 

What could I have done differently? 

Should I have bid higher? 

Should I have acted quicker?

Blaming yourself is so easy to do, but it doesn't help anything or anyone - least of all you. Assigning blame to yourself or your partner will wear you down, both mentally and physically. Talk to each other. Learn from the experience. Rant about the unfairness of it all over a bottle of wine. Air everything that needs to be aired and then close that chapter and move on. There will be other properties.

Something better will be around the corner

It may not feel like it right now, but trust me. When I first got onto the property ladder, after a ton of searching I found a house and I was smitten, hook line and sinker. My mind was set, there was no plan b. When we lost the house to a cash buyer, I couldn't believe how much it hurt, nor could I believe I'd ever find anything else that compared. WRONG. By waiting and having a little patience, we ended up finding something much better. Same sort of location but better, more bedrooms, loft converted and cheaper. Sometimes good things come to those who wait. 

Look again with fresh eyes

By this, I mean look at the particulars of the propery you missed out on, but with fresh eyes. Write down any potential downsides on a piece of paper and be honest. It's so easy to be caught up in the romance of house hunting and adopt rose tinted glasses, that sometimes when you look again, you may notice things you didn't pick up on before and discover that you have dodged a bullet. I did this myself with the very first property we made an offer on and lost out on, and quickly realised it wasn't as ideal as I initially thought. 

The house itself was beautifully done - possibly overdeveloped on reflection - but being realistic, we would have outgrown it quickly. The bedrooms were small and extending up into the roof wasn't possible due to the roof line. I'd loved the garden at the time, but it lacked privacy which is more important to me now than it was back then. It was overlooked by a huge block of flats and being much taller than your typical house, planting laurel or bamboo for screening would be out of the question, plus trees would take years and years before providing ample coverage. Also I know now that the area wasn't necessarily the greatest or safest, with emergency services often being called out to the flats in the middle of the night.

Sometimes looking at something anew with fresh eyes can provide a whole new perspective. 

Never give up

Keep searching. Your dream home is out there. When the right one comes along, it will all fall into place and you will forget about all the other disappointments. Much like dating, now you come to think of it. 

Image source: Richard Burlton // Unsplash

Prioritising which home renovations to do first - the importance of identifying wants and needs

When it comes to home improvements, it can be all too easy to fall into the trap of overdevelopment with unnecessary additions. Namely things that are costly to do and don't necessarily increase the value of your property, nor make it more attractive to potential buyers.

When planning home projects, as well as setting an overall budget, it's also advisable to have a prioritisation list of what's important right now (what is needed, for example fixes and structural repairs) and what can wait (categorise these as wants not needs). Anything that you identify as a want and not a need can also be categorised as nice to have and can always be done later if you stay in the property long-term and you have the money to.

For example, say you want - it's never a need, let's be honest - decorative coving, a ceiling rose and a garden pergola. Garden pergolas are highly coveted by many, but are often placed in gardens that are far too small for them and they can overwhelm rather than enhance. If done badly or positioned in the wrong spot, that's concreted in faff for a future homeowner (or yourselves) to deal with. And ceiling roses and coving, whilst you may love them, they may not necessarily work for your home. Firstly they may not suit the age of the property, and if not done properly and you cheap out on lightweight polystyrene dupes, it can end up looking just that... cheap. So it's important to pick your battles and decide what the best use of your time and money is.

How to prioritise which home projects to do first

First, write a list of everything that you would love to do to your home and outdoor space. Additionally, identifying whether aesthetic or practical (say a fix) and also cost (high / low / medium) may also be helpful qualifiers.

For example:

1. Paint bedroom
2. Convert front garden into a driveway
3. Garden pergola
4. New bathroom
5. Bespoke carpentry - dressing room / home office / hallway
6. Complete an unfinished job - say painting / plastering / tiling

Now make another list with column headers Want and Need and start to add in the items from your previous list. This is where your additional qualifiers may come in handy. 

Another factor to consider: What if you do said item on your list, spend lots of money in doing so, and then find the perfect house elsewhere and decide to move? Is the home improvement in question something that will add value to your home? For the amount spent, will you see any ROI (return on investment)? Is it something a new homeowner will love and have them racing to make an offer?

An example list

Need

1. Convert front garden into a driveway - Practical as it would create more parking spaces for friends and family and would also be desirable to a future homeowner. Medium or high cost depending on labour and supplies.

2. Complete an unfinished job - Completing an unfinished job such as a part-painted room isn't necessarily costly (especially if you do the work yourself) but it requires time which we don't all readily have. If you can find the time, getting all the little unfinished jobs done can be really satisfying - especially if it's a space you frequent a lot. Unfinished jobs can be off-putting to a potential buyer so they are always worth thinking about.

Want 

1. Bespoke carpentry - Practical as it would make better use of available space. Potentially high cost so may only make sense if you plan on living there long-term and aren't thinking about moving. Furthermore, the style of carpentry may not appeal to a future homeowner and certainly won't sell the house. Better to use standalone furniture as a cheaper solution for the short term. 

2.  Garden pergola - Aesthetic, largely used to create visual interest. Pergolas in kit form are not cheap since their popularity in recent years, and having something bespoke may not be much cheaper once you factor in labour and materials. For this very reason, a pergola ranks as nice to have in my eyes as it is something you can always add in a later iteration of your garden as it develops. 

What happens when the lines become blurred?

Sometimes it's not always easy to determine the importance of something and identify whether it's a want or a need. Which is when you'll need to think about it more rationally.

Or one can turn into the other. A want becomes a need. 

For example, we decided to condense our outbuildings into one larger offering. It's better positioned in the garden and it offers us a lot flexibility as it's both heated and air conditioned. It's also a very attractive offering to the next owner of this house. It can be whatever you want it to be. A home gym. An office. Playroom. A second living room for the warmer months. Did we need to do it? On the face it, absolutely not. However once one of the original outbuildings came down, the state of it presented a need (crawling with termites and ants in the walls and floor, and the roof wasn't structurally sound) so I'm glad we did it.

Bathrooms are a whole other story. I want to get them done because they're showing signs of age and aren't our style. But there are also practical reasons why we need them done. The shower itself is on the blink and washing my hair in a feeble dribble of water is a joke. Also we had insulation added into one of the downstairs ceilings which felt like a good idea at the time, however as hot air no longer rises to the bathroom above it, the floor tiles and bathroom itself are glacial now, making for a horrible bath/shower experience.

Aesthetically there's nothing wrong with the bathrooms. There's nothing that would be off-putting to a potential buyer. We could sell the house with them as they are. We could easily replace the shower head and hose as a quick, temporarily fix. And when it comes to cost, we have the funds to do up both bathrooms now - but is now the right time? Or do I just give them a quick spruce up with paint and adhesive tiles? That's the question.

Ultimately it's your home and your money. A want doesn't necessarily have to take lower priority than a need if you don't want it to. You can have both. It's more a question of prioritisation - what comes first? Well, that's down to you.

What home projects are next on your list?

Image source: Randy Fath // Unsplash